Monthy Archive: July 2006
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July 31, 2006

Life : Snap goes the shell

I have been trying to understand my recent lack of posts on this blog. To some extent I have been busy and otherwise distracted over this summer (those who read my wife's blog know the most recent in the series of issues). Since I want to keep this exercise as something fun as opposed to something I "have to do", it would be easy to simply say "I haven't had time" and leave it at that.

Yet my gut told me there was something more.

Was I depressed? Not that I could tell (and I think I have become quite adept at recognizing those symptoms). Was I really that busy? No – I certainly had time for a great many other things. Did I have nothing to say? Well…. that becomes an interesting question. I do seem to have been somewhat lacking in introspection the last few months; but is that a cause or a symptom? While it might explain the lack of interest in writing for this blog, it would also seem to be something requiring an explanation of its own.

This question seems to have been enough to rev up (at least temporarily) my introspection engine. What I have come to realize is that for the last few months I seem to have just been "grinding out the days" – living from one day to the next with only minimal concern for the larger picture. Given that I only realized this now because of the blog, I don't know if this is a mode I have periodically dropped into over the course of my life without noticing it, or if this is some new phenomena. Either way, it merits further consideration on my part; and that consideration merits comment on this blog.

I do have a sense of having been withdrawn of late – like a turtle pulled into its shell, although I can point to no obvious trigger for such behavior. There are more recent events which I could imagine having that effect; but they clearly postdate my behavior change. I seem to have subconsciously slipped into "survival mode" – focusing on doing what is necessary to get through each day and not "wasting energy" looking at things beyond that (as I at least think is my normal habit). It is quite peculiar to realize this behavior without knowing what motivated it.

And then of course there is the question – is this realization and the introspection which led to it a signal of another phase transition back to my "normal" behavior? Or am I merely poking my head out of my shell for a moment?

One thing is for sure; blogging is a great tool for self analysis. It shows you things you might never notice otherwise.

Posted by Steven at 05:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)