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July 23, 2005
Life : Churchill's black dog is chasing me again
I'm depressed.
Not the ruby-black despair that drives people to seek any way out of their non-feeling. Fortunately, the flaw in my brain chemistry does not allow things to go that far.
My experience of depression is that I lose interest in doing things, and lose pleasure in the remaining things I do. In the most extreme case (which I have only experienced a couple days out of my whole life), I can't motivate myself to do anything other than curl up in bed - not to sleep (I'm not tired) but simply because there is no activity which has the slightest appear to me.
This, thankfully, is not one of those times.
This week's depression is actually quite mild on the scale I have developed. What I have realized is that I lose interest in activities in a predictable order. I stop reading non-fiction before I stop reading fiction. I stop reading before I stop playing games. I stop playing games before I stop watching television. I have learned over the years (depression has been a factor in my life since I was in my teens) that just about every activity fits neatly into this spectrum, and that I can gauge the degree of my depression by what I am and am not motivated to do. It provides a convenient self-diagnostic tool.
I'm not completely certain what the key criteria is that orders things on this scale; but it clearly relates to the level of personal involvement. The more of myself I need to put into an activity, the less depressed I have to be before it goes away. Television, being almost entirely passive, is one of the last things to go. Bloging appears to be early on the list.
Oh, with regard to my current depression – I'm not concerned. This kind tends to pass after a few days, so I usually just take it as my body's way of saying I need to take a break. I have had more serious depressions, and am unashamed to say I got professional help (I don't care what Tom Cruise thinks); but this one is no cause of concern (unless you are waiting for my next blog entry).
Posted by Steven at July 23, 2005 04:03 PM
